Search This Blog

Follow by Email

Monday, January 08, 2018

PLEASE, LEND ME YOUR EARS.

I have permission from a dear friend to share her story to create awareness, with the hope we will all learn from it; So guys, please lend me your ears ... it is worth it.

My friend is an intelligent and hard-working lady, who grew up in a strict christian environment: You know the type of humble,quiet ladies, that don't like to offend anybody or look for trouble chei? Unlike me. She met her husband through a friend, and he was her first lover on their wedding night after a lovely wedding. 

She observed one particular bad habit about her husband; He can complain for Africa about everything and anything!!! Even if cockroach crawled pass, he was suspicious of it's moves! She tried reasoning with him ... WHOSAI! To make matters worst, her husband could not hold down a job! If he did not get fired, he would resign! Just as he dropped out of his master's programme without any valid reason! SIGH! 

Money matter nko? Forget matter for matthias! Tori brekete! She was the breadwinner in the home! She did not mind because she earned higher, but he would still borrow from her! Wetin she for do? Since he could not keep a job for more than a month because of too much complain! Which employer get time for that nansense? His complaining was too much, that he would even accuse workers in the bank of conspiracy theory if the ATM machine refused to disperse cash. I kid you not! MSCHEW!!!


Trouble started when she was pregnant for their first child. He displayed a weird behaviour that scared the s*** out of her! No! No! He did not hit her as some of you might be thinking. She ran to her in-laws to report him; That was when she was told, his outburst was due to clinical depression he had been diagnosed with before she met and married him! She asked, why she was not told earlier? Afterall it was not a death sentence ke! Their answer was; 'they told us not to tell you!' LIKE SERIOUSLY?Who were the 'they' biko? Abi friends or other family members that won't pray for such for their own daughter? You see how some human beings are? TAAA!!!

Being a faithful and loving wife, she showered love upon him, was submissive, fasted, prayed, read about the topic to know how best to manage his depression. She even attended a spiritual counselling retreat for both of them, all in a aid to help him feel better and have a happy home ... did it work? FOR WHERE! The guy-man simply refused to accept he had a problem sef! Or agreed he was ever wrong! He was Mr perfect, while others were at fault! URRGH!!!

Baby arrived, and as usual, all expenses were on her, le hub did not contribute a farthing to the upkeep of their child. she juggled her career, baby, matrimonial home, finances and his ailment, so as to keep the 'ship' sailing smoothly. Hmm! I doff my gele for her oo, she is a strong woman. Indeed she is what I will call a virtuous  woman. unlike someone I know sha ... why are you all looking at me?  It was so stressful, but GOD gave her the strength to carry all these on her shoulders, and you will think the man would help in any little way he could chei? I  HEAR!

Few years into her marriage her husband  displayed a behaviour that drove her crazy! I meant literally o! That she started having a 2nd thought about their relationship. Meanwhile, he had, had one of those 'outburst' that her in-laws claimed it was due to depression, that it took several people to calm him down! Eventually, all her in-laws gave her the OYO (on-your-own, for my  few non-Nigerian readers who don't understand the slang) attitude. He started accusing her of all sorts ... including witch- craft! Complaining about her to anybody who cared to listen, until they heard her own side of the story, and were speechless, as I was when she opened up to me!

When he started pointing that same accusing finger towards their young child, she knew it was no longer 'funny' and fled for her life with her son! She stayed away from her matrimonial home for many months. Her family and friends intervened; He was taken to the psychiatric hospital and diagnosed to have paranoid schizophrenia!!! This, his family KNEW all along, but LIED to her it was clinical depression! 


She was in utter shock! Again, being a loving and dutiful wife, she tried to help, by taking him to his appointments and bought his medications which he bluntly REFUSED to take! The doctors said, he could not be forced as an adult. She couldn't mix it with his meals or drinks, because his mother had tried that method in the earlier days before he got married and he stopped eating her food. And on numerous occasions after he got married, he had thrown her own pot of soups and stews away because it looked 'somehow' to him. That was the FINAL straw!


She confided in her pastor and some elders of the church and they agreed with her to get separated from her husband and go for annulment of the marriage because it was based on DECEIT: Him and his family knew he had a mental illness and didn't let her know, to make an informed decision. And all that time he had episodes while married to her, the family were only giving him sedatives after several people have held him down. She had a break down! 6 years of marriage, nullified! After so much emotional sufferings! Her only joy is her child. GOD, her family and friends were her pillar of support. Now, she is living alone with her child, while her husband is with his parents, and she has peace of mind. We are happy for her.


Many Nigerians are yet to fully accept that mental illness is real and the subject is broad! Depression is not the only mental illness as many think. I am happy her pastors agreed to a separation and then annulment, not the usual pray and fast advise they give. Unlike her SIL who was quoting orishirishi scripture verses to her, that cannot be found in the bible sef! And her BIL telling her, marriage is like a wrapped box, you don't know what you will find inside ... REALLY? Won't he dump his own wife in a twinkle of eye and marry one okpeke  if she has mental illness? I call it double standard o jare! The most scary thing is that, persons with mental illness can be manipulative and will find some people believing them and doubting themselves, especially when they have the power of authority or pulls the financial strings.  Today, as I write, she is a FREE and happy woman ... according to the law, she was never married, so by the grace of GOD she will find love again. AMEN!


Let me summarize things I read about mental illness, for a better understanding:

Psychosis is a loss of touch with reality.
Hallucination is hearing and seeing things that do not exist in reality.
Delusion is a false fixed belief( always around religion).
Emotional disorder, an exaggerated expression of normal behaviour in an attempt to manage a difficult situation.
Anxiety disorders, includes: Panic, phobic, OCD, and PSTD.
Eating disorders, includes; Pica, bulimia and anorexia.
Somatoform disorders, includes; Psychosomatic and hypochondriasis.
Factitious disorder, also factitious disorder by proxy.
Impulsive control disorders, includes:Hair picking,self-injury, and kleptomania.
Intermittent explosive disorder, includes; Aggressive outbursts, blames his victims.
Personality disorders, includes; Borderline, narcissistic, and anti-social.
Affective disorders, includes; major depression, bipolar and postpartum.
Schizophrenia,includes: Disorganized, catatonic and paranoid: Paranoid schizophrenics are suspicious of everybody and everything! They are convincing and manipulative. Anti-psychotic medications are administered to them.

Thank you for reading. I know it was a long post, but believe me when I say, I summarized it as much as I could without losing the context of the story.




13 comments:

  1. How can a marriage that produced a child be annulled? Now that the marriage is annulled is she going to kill the child to get rid of the evidence that she was once married? And what happened to the for better for worse she signed up to? Granted she wasn't told before the marriage did she not see any signs during courtship? If not then the ex-husband was healed and may have had relapse due to stress in the marriage. I can understand the difficulty she found herself in and it was incumbent that her actions led to the healing and recovery of her ex-husband if she really loved him. This could follow her in her subsequent dating experiences. Is she going to hide that she had a child from her previous marriage? Just like she was accusing her ex-husband of hiding his illness from her she also has to give full disclosure to any future suitor explaining the full story otherwise she can also be accused of deception if that person finds out later. And the pastors who supported her to seek divorce (She may call it annulment but a marriage with a child can only lead to a divorce not annulment) were bending the rules and only providing her with an easy way out. Perhaps the judge who granted it might not have known that there was a child involved).

    That said I still sympathise with her for the situation she found herself in. I must admit it was a difficult situation that needed God's intervention because someone with paranoid schizophrenia is very difficult to live with. Not being sympathetic or having the right approach can aggravate the situation and I suspect that is what happened making it unbearable for her. She should pray for healing for her ex-husband because her child still needs a dad.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Seth, thank you for taking your time out of your busy schedule to read and comment.

    Now to your questions; NO! She won't kill her child, GOD FORBID! Because that is her ONLY joy from the marriage.

    Yes, marriages involving children can be nullified. And she can be both a dad and mum to her child. There are many single parents doing a great job of filling the gap. Are there no divorcees, widows and baby mamas taking care of their children without the presence of a man? And who will need a father that accused a 5 year old of witchcraft? That child will be in constant fear living with him.

    Healed? Relapsed due to stress? This is mental illness! It can only be managed with the willingness of the patient.She was the one that was stressed out! It was affecting her mind and job! She did everything humanly purpose to make her marriage work. We all have our limits as human beings.

    Whatever she decides to tell her future suitor is between him and her. If she comes to ask for advise from social platform,then many people including you and I can give her advice.

    Pray? This is not a spiritual matter but mental illness. The pastors are enlightened and experienced about marital and mental problems, that they did not bend no rules for her. The lawyers simply did their job while she got support from her church. Many wives had been killed by their husbands, all in the name of praying and fasting for him. Hoping and enduring the marriage that it will get better. Let his own family pray for his healing, after all, he is their son.

    Once again, thank you for your opinion.😁

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OOPS! I forgot to answer the question; Did she not see signs? NO, she did not because they all covered it up very well from her. Since it was not a very long courtship and strictly a Christian courtship,so they did not cohabit.

      Have you read about sociopaths? Or Narcissitics? Personality disorders? Please when you do, you will understand that they are very deceptive and manipulative.

      Delete
  3. One of my concerns is why she opted for annulment when it is actually a divorce?. What is the purpose of going for an annulment instead of a divorce? Is it to erase the memory that she ever got married or is it to make it legitimate for her to be able to marry again in church? The marriage was consumated and thats why there is a child out of it. She may have exploited a loophole to get an annulment but it is essentially a divorce.

    Now I thought you said he was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and thats why he was accusing his 5 year old daughter of witchcraft. Paranoid schizophrenia is not the same as personality disorder, sociopaths or nacissistics. I have read about them and they are not the same unless you are saying that he had dual diagnosis of personality disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. But I admit living with a husband with paranoid schizophrenia is difficult especially when the wife lack proper understanding of the condition and how to care for him. There is already stigma attached to mental illness and many people are afraid that they are violent when in fact less than one percentage are violent. People with schizophrenia lack insight which means they are in denial that there is anything wrong with them and this makes it difficult for them to accept any treatment.
    I don't deny it was a very difficult situation and it appears she lacked support from her exes family which made it worse. She definitely needed a break but to try to erase any traces of the marriage in the form of annulment is wrong in my opinion. These days pentecostal pastors bend the rules in the bible just to please their congregation else they will lose the tithe so I am not surprised pastors find reasons to qualify some of the rules in the bible. Thats why homosexuals are even marrying the church these days and even pastors are now justifying divorce these days. I think we should remove the "For better or for worse; in sickness and in health" from the marriage vows because we are all deceiving ourselves. If we all admit that when things are going bad or when sickness arises we will leave everyone will not be under any illusion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seth, I wanted you to read about sociopaths, narcissists and personality disorder because all mental illness have little of each but only the most dominant symptoms are diagnosed. Mental illness is a broad subject,this much I learnt in my psychology class. It is like astrology,though I might be a Capricorn,I can still show few traits of a Sagittarius. I simply wanted you to conceptualized it.

      Like it is commonly said, who wears the shoe, knows where it pinches ... hence her decision to go for annulment rather than divorce, remember she had a lawyer who advised her. If it was not feasible or ethical,he would have advised her against it. But she had a strong case.

      My dear, do you know what it means to look after a sick ADULT needing constant supervision and talking to? I worked as a caregiver and I tell you, it takes a lot from you. She earns the money, feed the home, care for their child, and will still be living in constant fear? Paranoids can become catatonic if they feel their lives are in danger!

      If the situation was reserved, will the man stay for better or worst or won't he return her back to her parents and marry another woman? Please reason with me also. Why is it that only women have to make all the sacrifices?

      Believe me when I said I really summarized this story to avoid a verrry long read, which I know many visitors are not patient enough to read. If not, I would have told you guys more.

      Once again, thank you for taking out time to reply.😁

      Delete
  4. Wow!

    I'm happy that your friend and her son are doing ok; what a difficult situation to go through. I pray that after such an ordeal her restoration would be complete and that our Heavenly Father would continue to provide for all her needs.

    Mental illness is serious, and from the little I've learned, paranoid schizophrenia would be so hard to deal with because the person with the mental illness truly believes that what they're saying or experiencing is reality and that everyone else is crazy! Because of that it makes sense that they might refuse to take their medication or think that anyone trying to get them treatment is the enemy.

    As you know, so many people in the USA are doing all sorts of tragic things as a result of their mental illness (this happens in Canada too), and those in the church are not exempt from dealing with depression or other mental illnesses. May Almighty God protect us all!

    I'd love to hear from your friend regarding what her biggest lesson was from this experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your comment Jumny. How was your trip to 9ja and your honeymoon?😁

      She saw your comment and inboxed her answer to your question to me. Here is it verbatim;

      the other person asked a question about my biggest lessons - here they are - God is Love; our suffering expands our capacity for compassion, and another lesson is the importance of the family investigation our ancestors used to do, they get a neutral party to investigate the family their child is going to be married to, afterall, even the bible says to search all things and hold on to the truth.

      Appreciate you stopping over.

      Delete
  5. Haaaa. People can be wicked ooo. The family did very wrong not to have informed the woman before the marriage. Glad she's doing fine now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My First Comment: Wow!!!
    My Second Comment: Wow!!! Wow!!! Wow!!!
    Thank God your friend and her son are fine now. Clearly, she deserves a medal for being a really strong woman.
    May God continue to give her and her son the grace they requires to live.
    May God also heal him and help his family.

    I am sure the family did not tell her initially because they were so consumed by the desire for him to have his own children that they forgot that his spouse was also going to be a human being. He and his family should have informed your friend and made it her decision to make. From your story, what makes it worse to me is they fact that they also did not adequately stand by her. God save us.

    Someone close to me has been diagnosed with mental illness and I am beginning to think of the steps I can take when he's ready to settle down because I won't want this to happen to him or his spouse.

    Reading your comments and Seth's, I had to so some research on annulment and found that one can get an annulment if there's a case of mental illness. Thanks for teaching me something new.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My first reply: Thank you!😁
      My second reply: Thank you very much!😄

      So glad you learnt something new ... as we all do everyday in our lives.

      His family did not tell her initially because the bitter truth is that in Nigeria society we view women as 2nd class citizen! The man comes first in any decision making and desires!

      If it was a woman, someone would have snitched to his family after the introduction!

      Delete
  7. Effective love spell to get lost lover back/stop divorce/save broken marriage happylovespell2@gmail.com is the best on urgent love spell casting with 100% result guarantee
    Am Sai Vidhya from CA Usa my boyfriend cheated on me and asked for breakup. I don't believe at first i try to get back with him but all he told me was he’s with someone else. that he is no longer interested in marrying me at that point i was heart broken coz i love my boyfriend so much that i could not let go off him all of a sudden he left me, i really love him and never can imagine my life without him. not until i came across a powerful real spell caster Dr happy who promise me 48hours urgent love spell to get back with my boyfriend, good forty-eight {48} hours. hmm-mm, it was a good night time at 10:05pm within the days that Dr happy told me that my boyfriend will be back, at first i heard the bell rings getting close to my door i heard someone saying honey!!!, it sound familiar i opened the door and i saw my boyfriend standing and weeping in front of me. i was not surprised because its all i have been praying for him to come back home. Guess what in six days after i noticed my system and my body temperature is changed and i went to clinic for check up and the doctor told me that there is life in me which means i am pregnant i really wants to use this opportunity to thanks Dr happy so much and my lovely collage who directed me to Dr happy if you have any problem or predicament that is worse or exactly like this you have been into, i plead you to contact Dr happy on happylovespell2@gmail.com you can also view on his blogs site... https://happylovespell2.blogspot.com.ng/ whatsapp/call...+2348133873774

    ReplyDelete