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Tuesday, May 10, 2016

THE 'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND PART' YOU DON'T KNOW!

The Nigeria media has been agouged with Lekan, the Lagos boy news! I have read so many comments from different sites since the story broke out. I wanted to pen down my thoughts at my  P.O.V corner,(at the left side of my blog) but I have so much to write that it was turning into a post and using my phone was out of it, hence, I decided to wait for my off day to use the laptop...OH! You guys seriously thought, I was not gonna use hubby's laptop huh? He will only say; 'You this, omo-Edo! I will reply, 'wetin? I no try? I did not use it for a week ke! We will start to tease ourselves, , but one thing for sure, I won't get another laptop until we conclude what we have budgeted for this year, just as he did for my phone.....OH! I forgot about updating you guys about that, he got it on my birthday, I picked a Samsung galaxy Note 5. Alright! Back to the topic at hand.

All have been said on domestic violence, and why some Nigerian wives still refused to leave their abusive marriages. YES! We have read, it is because of shame, society, sex, no where to go, and finances. Yet! Nobody is ready talk about it in the real details, because, they believe people will not understand. So, I am going to try to explain it and avoid a long post while doing so....hopefully.
My empathy goes to the children who have to stay with their mother's corpse until they were rescued. This is to show you how hard a man's mind can be! Some husbands threaten their wives not to go with their children, thus, the thought of leaving their children behind is  very scary! Have we not read,how some fathers beat their children, and they later died? Some end up being maltreated by their father's new wife! Some might not bother about the children's education, especially when they fail their WAEC OR JAMB at first attempt! Some fathers sexually abuse their daughters! Some children become malnourished? It is not everything, wives say outside so as not to be used as a yard stick by other women to measure their own marriage! My parent's neighbour used hot iron to burn his son's leg when his new wife reported something he did! My mum was livid and told the wife that she could have prevented it!

Do we think it is all parents that live in their personal houses or have investments or pensions (are they even paid sef?) to fall back on? They depend on the stipends and food stuff their daughters send to them monthly. Regardless she is working or not! When she thinks of leaving and consider the responsibilities that awaits her, she will rather endure the abuses, as long as the man does his duties at home, while she uses part of her salary to take care of her aged parents. Some housewives get large housekeeping allowances from their husbands which they will split and send it to their parents. If she leaves, how will her parents manage? I know of a woman who did that, and used it to train her younger ones to university. Her husband complained taya! 


Do we think women from abusive marriages don't want companions again? The truth be told, some can suppress that urge while some cannot! Some have low body esteem, that the thought of another man seeing them in their birthday suit is dreadful! And  it is mostly married men who are likely their friend's or neighbour's husband that will want to sleep with them, because they know them and their financial capability! This is why society, church, friends and parents tell them to stay! In the Estate I lived in Nigeria, a man was sleeping with his cousin's ex-wife! He wanted to send his wife away sef, but family intervened, he reluctantly left her!



Do we think these wives have good relationship with their siblings and parents? Apart from some being orphans, some cannot go anywhere near their relatives! Why? Maybe they were against the marriage in the first place! or She ignored them when the going was good! Or they never had a bond as a family to start with! Hence, she will rather suffer it in silence. And some, maybe in their lineage, the women never stayed in their marriages and they want to break that jinx by persevering. The same woman I mentioned above married her husband against her family's consent. One night, she ran to them with blood on her face, they asked her where does she wants to go with 6 children and did they not warned her? The man even planned to kill her to marry his cousin's wife! She found a dagger under their matrimonial bed! Abeg! Story full ground!


Do we think some of the women from abusive marriages don't have flaws of their own huh? Some are trouble with a capital T! And there is a limit to human kindness. How long can a sibling or friend or relative harbour her? After few months, friction will rear it's head, either from the host or the guest! I know of a relative who went to stay with her younger brother with his wife when she left her husband. This relative will give the burnt and black part of bread to his brother's children to eat while give her own children the inner and softer part. Because her brother was living in a room and parlour while she was married to a rich man, so her children deserved the best! Bread she did not buy with her money o! Of course, one of the children complained to their mum! What of my neighbour's elder sister whose husband drove out, that almost scattered  his own marriage within one year of living with them? She moved her things out one hot afternoon, without telling her brother, who said, he now understood why she was sent packing by her husband!


Lemme stop here, so as not to make it long. To conclude my thought on this Lekan the Lagos boy matter, if his 'team' is claiming it was a crime of passion, regardless his incoherent lies, then, the Government would have been building more  prisons, cemeteries and orphanages ,  if ALL Nigerian wives killed their husbands for infidelity! MEN CANNOT TAKE A QUARTER OF THE NONSENSE THEY DISH OUT TO THEIR WIVES! 'I know I am not a saint!' - Lekan. I HEAR!

 Let her soul rest in peace and GOD in HIS infinite mercy be with the innocent children and comfort her widowed mother and only sibling. Amin.

13 comments:

@ilola said...

Hmmm. From everything I am reading, it just boils down to the fact that every woman should empower herself, marriage or no marriage. Unless we stop accepting it, it would continue to happen. The government too needs to start prosecuting these cases for real.

How I almost lost track of my mind

sykik said...

my sister, I have so much to say on this matter but make I summarise am.

There's so much to this marriage something in Nigeria, it's scary. Women stay married for so many reasons and the society doesn't help matter by placing value on the "MRS" than any other thing. Also most mothers place value on the boy child so much that girls are brought up as second class citizens in some homes.

A girl is maltreated right from her parents home with all the "you better learn how to do this, do that, who will marry you, don't aspire too much etc, she enters marriage and it continues,serve husband, slave for in-laws,if you earn more than husband, you have to keep it secret, infact like Tiwa's case, you give Mr Husband the money sef to pose as big man.......and the list goes on. A girl has to bear the "stigma" of being female...it is so sad.

A female is reminded of her ticking biological clock if she's not married, she's taught to be the submissive wife because of her children, where there's no children, na she go dey go upandan looking for solution.....ko easy rara.

Women who stay in abusive marriages have their reasons for staying and some of them are as you highlighted above and I just wish..........make I stop as I am becoming emotional and also before I write epistle

Fluffycutething said...

I still feel that many women are able to leave marriages filled with violence but stay for non-tangible reasons!

A woman may be sustaining her family from what she gets from her hubby but if the man kills her wont the family find another means to survive? Is it not better for she(figuratively speaking here) and her mother to be alive drinking garri than her mum eating well and she being beaten with all manner of.objects???? As per sex is it not if there is peace of mind one can enjoy it? Abi after beating one man will say open your legs and teh woman

Fluffycutething said...

Continued....

And the woman will enjoy it? Even if she feels she cant hold her urges she won't die from lack of sex.afterall the man may die and she wont start sleeping with her neighbour because she can hold herself. I hope you get my drift.

Marriage isn't always a bed of roses but when one's life is at stake it is better concerted efforts are made to leave or exit the marriage! Its not always easy but at least the woman should try

Nitty-Gritty said...

When one of them is made a scape goat, others will learn! Thanks Lola.

Nitty-Gritty said...

Yes, some do have their reasons that cannot be explained in black and white for easy understanding. Thanks sykik.

Nitty-Gritty said...

Fluffy, your last sentence said it all. It is not easy. Everybody threshold of endurance differs. Thanks

Nitty-Gritty said...

Fluffy, your last sentence said it all. It is not easy. Everybody threshold of endurance differs. Thanks

Nitty-Gritty said...

Yes, some do have their reasons that cannot be explained in black and white for easy understanding. Thanks sykik.

Nitty-Gritty said...

When one of them is made a scape goat, others will learn! Thanks Lola.

sykik said...

Women need to understand that divorce isn't a sin and neither does marriage grant automatic ticket to heaven........

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